SUICIDAL

what does it mean to be suicaidal?does dying really make you feel better coz at least you won't have to think about how to face your friends and family...haiz...i really can't take it anymore...feeling more and more depressed as each day passes...can't help feeling like that at home and now even in school...why must this happen to me???why is it that i have to suffer so much??does ending my life really helps me?haiz..i can't help feeling so left out at home...it's like i don't even belong in he family..they all get along so well...and why is it that this is happening to me in school as well???i feel like a total outcast..everyone can get along as well without me...i feel so invisible especially in school..why is this so???haiz..they can be as happy as they are now even without me..what does that mean???that i don't deserve this friendship that i have now?it's not that i like to go home and not go out after school...it's just that i can't go out..and i don't have any freedom unlike them..coming home makes me feel bad but when you see that look on their faces when i tell them that i can't go out..i get so irritated with myself that i just don't know what to do...how???will this feeling ever go away???or is it just that i am born NOT to fit in and i am born to be an outcast????i dn't know what to do now...i feel like shit it's literally a living helll...and the ppl around me are definitely not helping...I HATE MY LIFE!!!