the switch

i feel like i havent been here in ages.
i feel like i havent been around people in ages.
i feel pathetic.

BIRTHDAY
the birthday saw me spending some time with the girls at new york new york for lunch.
and some ice cream and cakes at swensons with the guys.
it was lovely.
much loves people

CHRISTMAS
christmas was spent with the family.
some time together for the usual gathering filled with loads of food, alcohol and classic old christmas goodies.
presents were apparantly not a big thing on this years agenda.
but nonetheless i guess its the time together that counts.
it wasnt as crazy as it used to be but hey, its the special time of the year.

TODAY
today was spent with the girls who came down to golf despite of the weather.
it saw them fooling around and justtrying to hit some balls.
you two did great by the way.
and now they truly cannot say that i'm good cos i am so darn pathetic at the game.
ms de souza's afterthat with the class.




well, lately theres been so much on my mind that i've been just wasting my time away thinking about stuff. i guess at times like this where its raining almost all the time, time is on my side and theres just been so much to reflect on for the past whole year.
from what started as a year that i would do something for myself for probably once in my life and having my year all planned out with the goal in mind that i had set at this same time of the year last year, it sure turned out a whole lot different.
i have to admit, it was a year filled with lots of tears, where i have truly realised how strong my mind is only to realise that it is weak. its been a year of many conflicting things that went through my head, and having to give in eventually. its a year where i have had so many wrong decisions only to regret them but not having the freaking guts to stand up to change them.its been a year of so much insecurities that at times i feel like just crumbling. its a year where i have felt like i have lost so much and yet have no lesson to learn from them. its been a year of feeling proud of myself and have someone else bring you down in the end. its been a year of shining and yet theres just always someone out there thats better. its been a year of having to feel second best to someone else. a year where everything you do is never enough. a year of so much disappointment from so many despite having already done your best. its been a year of feeling so darn scared of making the wrong move that i never gave myself the chance to make any choices at all. a year of feeling like its my job to please everyone else and never doing what makes me happy. a year of trying so hard only to fail in the end. its a year of not listening to my feelings and instincts. a year where there are so many bad memories that the good ones are been outshadowed.
it has just been a year filled with so much sorrow and despair.
a year where i just feel so fucking useless.


2007 will be a better year.
theres no turning back.
2006 has probably been the lowest point in my life as yet
and it can only get better.

sometimes you fall before you fly.
i'm still counting on that one.